January 21, 2008 at 4:52 pm (Spirituality)
I had a wolf/bear/fox with me the other day – I woke up and there he was – almost two of them, wolf and bear/cub but the wolf was more prevalant… they sat with me all day on thurs or fri – cant remember…
very nice gorgeous creatures – much comfort
i dont know if they ‘belong’ to me, but would be interested to know if anyone wants to claim them as their own.
January 5, 2008 at 7:28 pm (Family, Spirituality, Treatment, Venting, recovery)
Tags: hallucinations, hospital, nurses, surgery, vent
the one thing that i remember most from this surgery as opposed to my last one, is that just the standard of care seems so much better… i dont know if thats just cos i was so much more stressed and sick last time, or out of it most of the time anyway that i didnt notice the nurses – but here the care just seems better – its nice to feel looked after, especially by people youve never met before.
I went to visit my cousin in hospital a few weeks ago when we were in the area, and the hospital there was horrific!! We were there for 20mins, and the phone rang off hte hook, there were patients buzzing, and there were NO staff – NO nurses, no reception, no doctors that i could see – we walked in and out 4 times and i did not see ONE staff member belonging to that oncology ward. My previous surgery was not like that, and this certainly wasnt either, because I was completely horrified at that scene.
Its amazing how good food tastes, even hospital food, including the vegetables a’la cooked-so-much-they-have-no-nutrients, when youve not eaten for over 12hours, forced. You of course know that its the very reason that youve been TOLD not to eat that makes you so aware of your hunger – but thats of little consolation when youre starving.
So I got to eat.. and it was good.
The rest of the day was spent resting, no tv cos i couldnt be bothered turning it on, and I think i instinctively knew it would keep me awake and distracted from healing sleep. Dad came back to say hi, and then when he went out to chat to mum and I awoke just as he leant over to kiss me goodbye… I woke occasionally as the nurses came to check my blood pressure and stats… I did not need nausea medication, but hte new staff nurse left the canular in just in case because in her words “knowing my luck i will take it out and you will vomit everywhere”…
They kept asking me if I was experiencing pain and on a scale of 1-10, what it was.. they never once asked what my reference for a 10 was, so I made sure I told them – “compared to a bone marrow test, with no sedative, this is about 3!” I have a high tolerance for pain – or maybe that should read that I have a high experience of pain… and whilst I understand this is there way of trying to test a patients comfort level, and a level 8 for anyone is bad whether that be compared to a bee sting or giving birth as someone’s high level of experienced pain, its still a practise that needs some further definition.
I slept, visualising all the healing energies from friends and loved ones around me, and it truly helped – even if I was hallucinating or imagining it, I personally see nothing wrong with knowing and feeling that you are loved.
Because it was the Christmas period, there were people in that ward, who normally would not be sent to that ward – so there were some interesting exchanges we heard from my room – I wont go into them, but two of hte funniest were listening to the dude next door arguing that he wanted to go home and when the nurses refused, he only wanted to go outside – and that was fine with the nurses so long as he was back by 8.30pm otherwise they would call security to go find him – there went HIS idea of sneaking off home!!
The other one I only heard, but apparently it was accompanied by a bare black bottom flashing across the shared room across the hall – a lady calling out “jack”? But it sounds fairly like “fuuuuck”? A bit sad I know, but in my muddled brain it was hilarious!
By about 4.30/5pm we decided to let me have dinner in hospital and then we would go home… dinner came and went, and the resident doctor was called to come and check me and give me some meds to take home just in case… I think around this time my blood pressure, which is normally quite low dropped to something like 85/90? or something? I will ask Nic, cos Im sure he would remember – the nurse was NOT a happy camper about that and my prospects about going home.. but I drank more, assured her it was ok and by about 8pm the resident finally rocked up and I was given a script for anti-nausea pills (same as my break through tablets last chemo round) – and the canula was taken out and I was finally allowed home at about 9pm, or 10pm?… yay!!!
Made it downstairs, and to the car, despite my mothers attempts to make me sit down and wait for my husband to get the car and to pick me up (not even 500m away)… Its all about being able to do stuff for myself whilst I feel up to it
One thing Ive learnt, and I have to keep reminding myself, is that its ok to ask for help – I get that, I really do (family, stop rolling your disbelieving eyes right now!)… BUT I know when to ask for help. I know when I need it and I know that for my own sanity, I NEED to be able to do things for myself – even if that is walking down those steps, or picking up that box, whilst I feel able. Because I was raised to be self-sufficient and able to do things for myself, and Im proud of that. I am not about to sit about and expect others to do everything for me because thats not who I am.
Yes I am proud and stubborn and pig headed sometimes – but I am determined to get through this with as much self-dignity as possible, so please just make it a bit easier for me by understanding why I get frustrated when you insist on helping. I appreciate help, I just dont appreciate being treated like I am incapable of conscious and reasonable thoughts and decisions and actions.
This is still my life, and this is how I choose to live it.
January 3, 2008 at 11:38 am (Quotes, Spirituality, Treatment)
Tags: anesthetic, cancer, Doctors, hospital, nurse, surgery, Treatment
Well, Im back home from surgery
It went quite well really. Last time I had every known side effect, from nausea, vomiting, dizzyness, lethargy, aches, etc… and those lasted about a week afterwards! I had to stay in hospital over night last time, just cos I wouldntve made it downstairs to the car!
well, this wasnt too bad, all things considered.
We (mum, Nic and I), got to the hospital at 7.30am as requested, and waited for my name to be called for admission. I was phoned at about 7.50 by the ward upstairs just to see where i was cos the ward clerk wanted to know. I was hungry and tired, having had to fast from midnight, so to get my mind off it, I meditated to save my life! I managed to relax, still my stomach and fill myself with a lovely glowing white light.
Before I go on much further, I should mention, after my last bout of chemo, I became a lot more spiritual, a lot more focussed and aware of the smallest things in life, a lot more questioning and interested in those things beyond everyday comprehension – such as guides and faeries and god etc. So whilst I dont meditate nearly as much as I should, it is something I like to do, and its the easiest way for me to relax and receive love and healing energy from those sending it to me (I also have my 2nd attunement in Reiki). If you dont believe any of that sort of stuff, thats fine, I respect that, but I ask that you respect my beliefs, because they are part of who I am and this journey, and Im sure you will read a bit about it.
I was admitted at about 8.30am, headed up to the ward and then very quickly rushed into my room (single, very nice!) and filled out some paperwork, changed into the hospital gown, which later caused much angst cos the nurse decided to put it on as a dressing gown style, tied at the front since my surgery would be on my neck, so easier access, whereas it normally does up at the back… The nurse was lovely, kept calling me darling and had the most amazing blue contacts in. There was also a rather cute looking male student nurse who had such a nice aura/energy about him – 2 weeks of prac left and then he was finished and doing it for real 
Nurse Blue Eyes was amazed at how positive i was… she liked having me there because I was so positive and she believed it would make all the difference. Im sure it would, but personally, as I told her, Ive done this before, and I also dont see the point in being negative when being positive is easier. Admittedly, it does get tiresome after a while, but Id prefer to smile than frown.
So anyway, the anesthetist came in and we told him about my last reaction and etc and I was getting a little more stressed, but I tried not to show it.. whats that old saying?
“Be Like a Duck – smooth and calm above the water, but below paddling like hell!!”
I know dad came in at some point before I went to surgery to wish me luck, all dressed up in his suit – we were making jokes that he mightve been a doctor, or an administrator all dressed up like that, so people were getting out of his way LOL
So… it was time to go. They wheeled me out, into the surgery (I think Level Two), and into the recovery section, where I had my PICC line put in last time, and put in the canular.. Aside from the local A going in, the canular was fine, and I was very happy – and I thanked the anesthetist for doing a good job. The lovely nurse BlueEyes, and AlmostGraduate left me then, patting me on the hand and telling me that they would come pick me up.
We wheeled on down to the surgery room, and there I met a few other nurses, the surgeons understudy/assistant, and the surgeon came in to say hi as well.. The anesthetist was pulling some liquid that looked like Mylanta/Milk into a syringe, so of course I asked what it was – it was my anesthesia and apparently whilst it might sting more going in, it had less side effects – i love it when doctors listen to you!
So anyway, at one point I was left alone, as the Anesthetist went, telling me not to go anywhere (oh yes, I was hooked up to a drip, in a small room where there was less than standing room either side of the bed, and I was expected to run away – LoL) – another nurse came in, had a bit of a chat and asked if I was nervous… A little, but Ive been through it before, I replied, and told him it was kind of a stupid question.. he smiled and mentioned that you hardly hear people say no and its usually the young men who turn out to be all talk anyway. I had heart monitoring pads put on as well.
I was wheeled into the operating room, calling over my shoulder my age (30? Im not 30! LoL!), age and height to the anesthetist, and lined up next to the table… they pulled the drip over the side and I kept holding onto the drip line thinking how I really didnt want it to be pulled out… the anesthetist came over and said the same as he pulled the drip stand closer, and then gave me something in the canular saying “This might make you a bit sleepy” – as I lay my head back I could feel it working, and whilst I was conscious for them transferring me to the table, I was pretty quickly out of it.
The next thing I remember was waking up and the nurse in recovery asking me if I needed anything – “water” so she gave me some, and it felt like the small vials of liquid (often filled with saline) was being held up to my mouth to drink – it was water, and it was good… by this stage I hadnt drunk or eaten anything for 12hrs. I tried to open my eyes, but gave up that idea until I felt a little bit better.. I was drowsy but didnt feel too nauseous which was good, and right now, whilst I remember the nurses coming back to get me, I dont remember much of the trip back, or getting to my room other than being wheeled in and hearing them announce my arrival to mum and Nic.
I slowly regained my lucidity, sleeping lots.. and managed to remember to take a photo – i took one on my phones camera and included the clock on the wall – 2pm. I think I came out of surgery/recovery at about midday.
Im about to go to my parents house to stay for the evening, since its 40*C here today, and Nic is going to work tonight, so I am going to leave this post for now..
~ to be continued ~
