well – I think I have found a rival for the pain felt by the bone marrow test… the insertion of the port in my chest… again, the sedative didnt work, and the local anesthetic wasnt working as deeply as they hoped obviously. but i get ahead of myself
I still cant remember exactly what the port is called – a double something or other (arterial venous something)- i will promise to note it down tomorrow – ahh tomorrow, my first day of chemo – again… hmmm
Ok – the port. I was due at the hospital at 11am, and on the way I admitted I was nervous, there was no point pretending that I wasnt. As soon as I got the the short stay unit, I was informed that they wanted me in there as quickly as possible – I think I was fast-tracked.
So I signed my admission forms, got dressed into the funky robes that tie at the back and have your butt hanging out (note: wear black underwear on all trips to the hospital not bright blue!) and was wheeled out towards the surgery room by about 11.30 or so.
We waited around (the nurses and I) in the surgery room for the doctor and Im pretty sure it all started at about 12.15… the nurses were nice and I tried to make small chat, but I was nervous. My PICC line going into my arm last time was not pleasant, but it was almost bearable because the pain was in my arm – this was going to be in my chest and whilst I hoped it wouldnt be too bad since my chest was still partly numb, I knew it was only superficially so and wouldnt make much of a difference in this case.
Since they needed to be sure that the catheter was going into the correct place, I was under a big xray machine and everyone was wearing those protective vests. There were 4 big screens/monitors that showed my blood pressure which was to be taken automatically every 15mins, and my heart rate was being constantly monitored by the little thing they stick on the end of your finger – that stayed regularly at about 96 before it all started. I met the doctor, who the entire time called me the wrong name, signed the consent form and then they started.
The gown was pulled down (no point in being modest about my breast hanging out now – but OH it was FREEZING!), and the nurse/assistant had a student with them who was to do the cleaning of the area… they firstly had to take the dressing off my newly clean and healing scar from my surgery – apparently they needed to find the vein in that area… they used alcoholic swabs obviously to sterilize the area, and FUCK! did that hurt!!!!! Yes, the pain started early, but I could handle the stinging.
Next I had to lie with my head towards the left, and they placed a blue sterile sheet over my face and chest, with a sticky, presumably clear, panel over the area they were working on. I had a small, maybe A4 size, hole created for me to look out of (and so they could look in on me) towards the left and that was it – luckily for them, I was not claustrophobic.
Now – they apparently gave me local anesthetic, and I dont know whether that was what hurt so much, or whether it was what they did soon afterwards, but it literally felt like someone was shoving a needle straight down into my nerve along my collarbone. The doctor was calmly apologizing and telling me it was going to be ok, but either they didnt wait for it to start working properly, or they didnt use enough, or my body is just stubborn, because alot of what followed hurt.
I know he kept asking for more local anesthetic, especially when they went along the collarbone area. Im not exactly sure what the process was, but I know they made an incision up the top, about 2inches out from my center and about 1inch below my collarbone, and THAT was what hurt the most. I felt the tugging and the pushing, and I know the doctor gave me some sedative, because I started to feel more relaxed and I really wish it had worked better because I honestly would have prefered to just be knocked out for this. I do remember crying, sobbing and the nurses peering in on me looking very worried, telling me it wouldnt be much longer, and at one point the tugging was so hard and it hurt and the doctor kept asking for a bigger line – obviously the gentler versions were not getting through, or threading through the vein well enough.
I cried out in my mind at one point – I just couldnt handle it. It was so painful, and so heart hurting – I was stressed, sore, now in more pain, and I was all alone, and it just didnt feel like it was going to stop. I desperately wanted one of the nurses to hold my hand, and it is almost impossible to practice deep breathing and calming techniques when your physical body is in so much pain – constant dull ache I can handle, but not sharp unexpected searing pain.
And the worst thing about this all was that I could feel the line going into the cavity in the center of my chest, and I could feel it – it was something I had last time, because pretty much thats what happens – a line gets inserted into just above your heart, to ensure the drugs are dispersed quicker. But I could feel it there, and my body didnt like it and I tried to tell the doctor that I could feel it IN my chest, but he thought I meant there wasnt enough local… no UNDER my sternum! I think I need to learn my anatomy better so I can inform the doctors better.
Anyway, FINALLY it was over, just a few more stitches, which the student did I guess since the doctor was instructing – unfortunately for the poor student, I felt the third one on my breast. I think I dumbfounded the doctor because I was so sensitive to it all.
I was slid back onto the trolley bed to be taken back to recover and as I was wheeled out one of the nurses commented on my red splotchy face and asked if it was a reaction to the drugs, or whether it was my natural reaction to crying – I hate my red splotchy face after crying so it was the last thing I wanted to hear!
I was taken back to the recovery section of the short stay center, and was given lunch and some pain killers – when asked what i wanted for lunch my response was “Panadol! and maybe a hot milo”
I asked for Nic to come in at a bit later, and mum came in as well – I was very very sore, and not liking it much at all. It was all fucked up.
I managed to get a little bit of sleep, and eventually felt up to going home.
And here I am.
Basically the port enters at about 1inch above my right nipple, and inside the vein/under the skin, curves up and then down towards my heart/center. On the outside, there is about 3inches of exposed tube, 2 lines, with what Im assuming are clamps near the anchor which is stitched onto my skin, and at the end of the lines are plugs – this is where they plug me into the drips – and where they take blood from – one is red and one is blue – obviously one is for putting things in and one is for taking things out – not sure which is which yet. And its all covered by a clear waterproof dressing – which unfortunately also covers my nipple… why is this unfortunate? Well, the dressing needs to be changed each week, and getting an arm wax each week was bad enough for my PICC line – but a breast wax? OUCH!!!
The two lines curl up under my arm – which poses the question – who the HELL decided on the location!? I cant very comfortably wear a bra now, and whilst it may be discrete and not very noticeable under clothes, once I lose my hair, its going to be slightly obvious that Im going through chemo, so I really would not have minded the plugs coming out near my neck… this way Ive got the discomfort of trying to put clothes on over the top, and also having to wear a top that has some sort of opening near my armpit on treatment days so its easier to access the ports! A man must have designed this!!!!
In addition, because I cant get it wet, showers are made more difficult, and I can only sit in a bath that comes up to my waist because I dont want to get the plugs wet by sitting in water of any higher level….
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
this is fucked.
~~~~
So today Im sore, but not as bad as expected – most of which is thanks to all the healing vibes and love Ive been sent by all my friends and family.
And tomorrow I have my first chemo session… 9am… not even a reasonable hour! I must admit, I usually sleep in until about then – especially after chemo, so I dont know how Im going to make it to chemo on Thurs and Fri – with lots of anti-nausea and sick bags Im sure.
Im going to sign off now, since my right arm is quite sore and typing at the computer is making it ache more.
