I have no idea where I was last at, but my stitches/neck are starting to really really hurt.
It might be cos I missed my last set of drugs (basic pain relief), or if its starting to fuse and heal and with my frustration at not being able to move around properly, cos its hindering my movement…
but it HURTS. Imagine this:
Youve got a phone permantly wedged between your ear and your shoulder to hold it in place – after about a week, you move it away, and then try and straighten up…
OR
youve been cut and stitched back together, with your ear permantly attached to your shoulder – no being able to stretch your neck, or turn your head properly.
THATS what it feels like, but with the added advantage of when you do move inappropriately, you are in severe headache, feeling-as-if-the-stitches-are-about-to-rip-out pain, and you have to go back to the position of head to shoulder, keeping the phone in place.. and Ive tried using that to my advantage when Im on the phone, but it doesnt work – it still hurts!
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Ive got my appointment with my doctor tomorrow. Well actually not my Doctor Bowtie – his associate who is looking after his patients whilst he is on holidays. My initial reaction was that I wanted to wait until my doctor returned. I dont want anyone else deciding my treatment. Even though Ive had a few moments of doubt, where I wonder “why wasnt this cured last time?”, “why didnt he check my results earlier?”, Ive still got a lot of respect and love for him, and I trust him implicitly. My thoughts of doubt were more directed at universal questioning, as to why I have to go through this again, because I know he was just as shocked as I was when the results came back positive.
He is a fantastic man, and I really dont want to see anyone else.
[And as a side note, Im sure he has had more profanities and doubts directed at him in his career than what I have just stated]
BUT – I spoke to my mum today, and she mentioned she had called the head nurse at my treatment centre to ask about the procedure of diagnosis, treatment plans etc whilst my doctor is away. She was reassured/informed that before he left, there was a group meeting of every patient on the books, treatment plans, possible variants on that, and in my case, a plan for every possible diagnosis outcome – so that everyone is aware what may happen. And whatever he tells me, will be exactly what my Doctor would say to me anyway.
There is always something about a persons persona and aura of course, that gives you faith in them or not… so it wont be exactly the same, and Im starting to realise I sound as if Im setting this other doctor up to fail, by judging him before I even meet him. So I will stop now, and check back in tomorrow with the report on how it all went, what the treatment is, etc.
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It has come to my attention that a few people may be uncomfortable reading this and leaving comments for the world to view, or asking questions, so let me say this:
I appreciate your coming here to read this blog. I believe it is important to read and get even a small educating on what its like to go through this, even from an outsiders perspective. And I hope that you will come to be similar to my closest friends or extended family – that you will understand it from even their perspective – I want this to be not only my story and journey, but yours as well, just as it is part of my family’s.
I was going to write so that if this ever happens to you or to yours, but thats silly. Reading this will indeed give you some heads up on what may happen if a loved one, or even yourself, gets diagnosed with cancer, but I believe you dont need that to happen to get benefit from reading this, from interacting. There are so many taboo subjects in this world, and unfortunately cancer is one of them. However, the most compassionate and loving people I have ever met are those who simply try – try to understand, or just try to be there for those who need it. Those who are willing to listen, listen to all the shit bits, the inspiring bits, the tear jerking and down right frustrating bits – and at the end of the day be willing to admit that they dont understand what its like, but they are willing to be there, just to listen, to be, and to be witness.
So THAT is my hope.
And in facilitation of that hope, Ive set up an email address, keeping in mind my pseudonym, so that you may email me and ask whatever you like, tell me whatever you like – and please know, that I welcome all comments, and questions, and I dont mind in the slightest if you forward this blog to others, because maybe then there will be more understanding in this world of ours.
