January 4, 2008 at 8:05 pm (Friends, recovery)
this should be interesting.
i just had a conversation with one of my best friends Mary – and i cant remember much of it- mostly what i said
its good to know that whilst the physical side effects of the anesthetic are different to last time, the mental ones arent… cos i cant remember much of what isaid
so it wil be interesting to read this back tomorrow or the next day
hmmm i really shouldnt blog when im feeling like this
January 4, 2008 at 4:24 pm (Venting, recovery)
Tags: cancer, emotions, relapse, remission, Treatment
i should make myself a deal
no posting whilst i feel crap
but im sore, tired, emotional and i just watched Delta Goodrems latest song on Foxtel and I burst into tears thinking how much i really dont like her cos she only had to go through this once.
retrospectively i know its going to sounds stupid and selfish and mean and bitchy – but really, when youre feeling like shit and having to face going through a worse journey than last time, and last tiem was pretty bloody shitty, and you see someone who seemingly has it all and is getting on with theirlife it makes you feel worse.
i know its stupid – i would never want someone to go through this -honestly – as much as I dont like you, i would never wish this on anyone – ANYONE!! and its very good when people pull through and finish their treatment struggle… but the fear of remission never goes away, you can only keep hoping and being positive that it wont return..
so im not hte most popular person when it comes to other cancer remission patients im sure – im the embodiment of all their fears… and it feels like shit – its very very very easy to slip back into feeling hard done by, when i know at least ive got a cureable type of cancer- of course, if its cureable, how come I wasnt fully cured last time? grrr
ok stop it.. im going to go now before i scare you all off.
January 4, 2008 at 2:25 pm (Family, Treatment, recovery)
Tags: ache, chemotherapy, pain, recovery, scars, surgery
I know i havent finished the post from yesterday yet.
BUt today Im feeling sore – the local anesthetic they used to numb the entire area around my neck is wearing off, and my neck is getting very very sore. the bones ache and i cant be touched.
Im also puffy… great! One more thing to make me look and feel awful
Greasy hair, puffy face, pain around my neck and Ive still got some betadine colouring over my body where I havent been able to wash properly because I cant get my dressing wet.
I had to tell my nephew I was sick again last night. I sat him down, as he was going to bed, and just explained that I know Nana told him I was sick again, and that Ive got to go through the same stuff as last time. At least this time if I lose all of my hair, I will get to see if I look good with a bald head, and he can help polish it if he wants 
He giggled at that. I also made sure Itold him that Im a bit sore and tired, and not feeling very well, so that if I get grumpy that its not at him and Istill lovehim. I had to make sure he knew that, and I left it just by telling him not to worry too much cos Im not about to go anywhere. Ive always talked to my nephew like he is an adult, knowing he would understand and tell me when he has had enough information, and sure enough he changed the subject when it was all done. Poor thing looked a bit scared, but he will be ok.
I slept at my folks place last night – hence why Isaw my nephew. It was cooler here than at mine, although we are getting an aircon fitted tomorrow tokeep it cooler.
ive got some work ive got to do, but im trying not to feel too bad about not doing it. I should ring my boss, and let her knw whats happening since ihavent done that yet
ive got an appointment with a hematologist next tuesday. its not my doctor Bowtie – he’s on holidays, but this is someone who is looking after his patients. my initial reaction was that i dont want to talkt to anyone except my doctor.. and its a feeling i cant shake, cos whilst im sure he has complete faith, ive known Dr Bowtie for over 18months now and I trust him… i just hope that this locum doctor checks with my doctor before deciding on a treatment – or that my doctor decides the treatment and this doctor is just giving me the results and the plan…i want to make sure that its MY doctors decision and not this ones.
hmmm thats enough for today
getting sore typing
im waiting on hubby to come back up and visit… ive not heard from my friends today and i know they are all busy and im probably too sore to see anyone, and if they did visit i would regret it afterwards, its getting kinda boring watching tv… but logically i know healing and recovery is not meant to be exciting
